Words are so powerful. Words have the power to build people up and bring them down. They can uplift and enlighten, or depress and destroy. We have complete control over the words we use, so we really must choose them carefully. The first step is awareness. Think before you speak. Focus on communicating positives: strengths, praise, encouragement. Handle negatives carefully. Stopping to consider your intention before you speak is a powerful tool. Why Speak with Good Purpose? One of our 8 Keys of Excellence principles to live by is Speak with Good Purpose. Let’s consider why we should strive to speak with good purpose. Communication is the bridge between people—it’s the glue that holds all relationships together. It’s what forms the links between teachers and students, parents and children, employer and employee, between friends, between siblings, etc. All our relationships thrive or fade depending on the quality of the communication between us and the other person. Speaking with good purpose can be a challenge—it takes courage, effort, and practice. But when you master this skill the quality of your relationships will change and you’ll find the satisfaction of deep, meaningful connections with others that you may not have had before. Words are powerful. A few cutting words let loose without thinking can wound someone for a lifetime. Maybe years ago your best friend said you had a “lame smile” . . . or your teacher discouraged your progress in math with “you’re no good at numbers”—and you still remember those words. Hurtful comments can stay with us a long time. Whoever came up with that rhyme about “sticks and stones” was wrong. Words can hurt.   Whatever you say—whether it’s negative or positive—has an impact. Look for those positive words, words that build up, words that heal. There are times when a few kind words make all the difference. Have you ever had someone tell you You got this! or You can do it! just when you needed to hear it the most? Words really do matter.  

Catch yourself — why was I going to say that? How can you make sure you’re speaking with good purpose? How do you make it happen? How do you direct your speech to build strong bonds and create safe environments?

Begin by building awareness, by actually thinking about your words . . . think before you speak. Ask yourself a few quick questions . . . Am I going to say something useful right now? Will my words be encouraging or damaging? Will my words build up or break down the person I’m speaking to? Will my words improve our relationship or might they damage it? Positive communication is a habit. It’s a matter of training yourself to monitor your thoughts before they become speech. With practice you’ll learn to focus on giving words to positive thoughts, recognizing people’s strengths in words as well as thoughts and offering praise and encouragement.  Don’t stop expressing negative thoughts, just be careful with them We don’t have to avoid expressing negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences, but it’s best to recognize them for what they are and decide whether or not we need to say them. Just stop and think about it for a few seconds. If it’s simply a random unpleasant thought—you don’t like a person’s whiny tone or wish someone wasn’t so pushy—acknowledge the thought and let it go. Choose not to give it the power of spoken words. But if it’s something that needs resolution, you may need to express it. Handle these times carefully. Think about the intention of your words. Are they meant to support the person and build a stronger relationship? Are they focused on finding a solution? Honesty in a relationship requires you to state your true thoughts and feelings, even when they’re not what the other person wants to hear. Honest speech is about revealing the true you, yet it can and should be done without the masks of sarcasm, condescension, or disdain. You simply make sure that you’re speaking kindly as well as honestly.  The power of speaking with good purpose Speaking with good purpose allows us to harness the awesome power of our words. When we speak positively, honestly, and directly, with the goal of keeping relationships strong, words cease to be a random force and begin to show their positive power in our relationships and in our lives.

I think before I speak and choose my words carefully.

The post Words are Powerful appeared first on SuperCamp.

The line, which sits constantly on the horizon of our character, represents responsibility. Living above the line is a powerful life skill, a foundation for communication and personal interaction that highlights and puts into practice the concept of ownership, taking responsibility for our actions.

Living Above the Line is a Choice
Every one of us has a choice. We can choose to live either above the line or below the line. When we choose to live below the line, our lives become driven by circumstances. We are victims! We forgo ownership and send the message to the world that we are not in control of our lives. People who live below the line—choosing responses such as laying blame, justifying, denying, and quitting—are all showing the world that they struggle with personal responsibility.

Blame: Laying blame could quite possibly be the most common and damaging way to live below the line. To a student being called out by their parents for a low mark on a test, this could sound like “The teacher didn’t cover everything that was on the test! It’s not my fault!” While the student may think they’ve given their parents a viable excuse, it doesn’t change the test outcome (and the real reason for it) or promote responsibility, and it certainly doesn’t contribute to positive communication with their parents.

Justify: Another example of living below the line is justifying. Justification happens when we create reasons why we didn’t perform as we should have, reasons that avoid taking responsibility. “Everyone else was talking too!” This below-the-line response tries to provide reasons for failure, believing that the reason or excuse will make everything okay.

Deny: Denying is another below-the-line choice. “I wasn’t talking” doesn’t make the problem go away. This obviously ineffective response can cause others a lot of frustration, and make us seem unreliable or even dishonest.

Quit: Finally, the most disheartening form of below-the-line response is quitting. When we believe so strongly that we’ll fail that we don’t even bother to try, we sabotage our chances for success even before we’ve begun. Although this kind of negative thinking may give us an escape route for our possible failure, we deceive and diminish ourselves when we respond this way.

Living Above the Line is All About Respond-ability
When we live above the line, however, we are choosing responsibility and ownership. We don’t simply let things happen to us and justify, blame, or deny them. We make things happen for us. We have greater control because we stop blaming things outside ourselves for our current situation.

Living above the line means being accountable for our words and actions. It means looking at our options and finding ways to become more honest and sincere—with ourselves and with others. This above-the-line thinking leads to greater freedom as we take responsibility for all our actions—we take responsibility for our life. The choice is always ours.

The post Above the Line appeared first on SuperCamp.

These are challenging times for all of us, and perhaps especially for families. Most parents are working from home, and students are being schooled at home—it’s a lot of togetherness!!

Our children are also struggling. They’re away from their friends, they’re trying to do their schoolwork and learn at home. They’re feeling isolated and unmotivated. And no one—not parents or their children—has a “social life” now. Everyone’s new “normal” day-to-day life is far removed from what they’re used to. Even in the best of family relationships, this can become trying for all.

Though you may have good communication with your children, these are challenging times and being more mindful of building rapport goes a long way. Rapport is defined as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.

Rapport creates emotional engagement and gives us on-ramps into our children’s lives. It creates a way for us to enter their world, know their concerns, and share their successes. Rapport helps us understand our children’s feelings and ideas as well as their fears and challenges, leading to better communication and solid relationships.

Here are a few suggestions for building and maintaining rapport with your children.

• Tell me more. When asking teens about their day, many simply answer We want to know what they like, how they think, and how they feel about what’s happening in their lives. When you ask a question and you get a common teen one- or two-word reply, continue with tell me more. Then stay quiet and give them a chance to answer.
• What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best? When you see signs of FEAR (what we refer to as false expectations appearing real) in your child, acknowledge it and show that you understand. Then ask What’s the worst that could happen? and What’s the best?Usually this will lead to more clarity about the perceived fear, and what they may be sensing from you about current challenges. Being honest and open goes a long way, and it’s reassuring for them to know you share their concerns.
• WIIFM: If your child is struggling with low motivation, as many are in this new virtual learning environment, help them find something of interest to them personally in what they’re learning. We call it WIIFM (pronounced wiffem), which stands for what’s in it for me? Help them find the WIIFM, no matter how farfetched it may seem, and with it they may find a new more positive attitude.
• Acknowledge every effort. To help children struggling with low self-esteem, acknowledge every effort. When your child makes an effort and completes a task, instead of simply saying great job, acknowledge the effort they put in and tell them what you noticed. At SuperCamp we include numerous “mini-success moments” and take a moment to acknowledge the effort that resulted in their success.
• How do you CHOOSE to feel? If you believe your child has been hurt by something someone said or did to them, try asking them How do you feel?Tell them that although we can’t control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it. Then ask How do you CHOOSE to feel?
• Failure leads to success. When your child feels like a failure because they failed at something, tell them about Failure Leads to Success (one of our 8 Keys of Excellence).Help them to change the way they think about failure. Instead of thinking that they are a failure, encourage them to think about failure as a valuable learning experience. When they learn from their mistakes rather than sending themselves negative messages, they are on the path to success. They can then ask themselves three questions:

        What happened?

        What did I learn?

        How will I apply what I learned?

• Speak with good purpose. Another one of our 8 Keys of Excellence is Speak with Good Purpose: Think before you speak and speak honestly and kindly. Talk to your child about this key and how it applies to what they say to themselves as well as what they say to others. Encourage them to pay attention to that “voice in their head,” especially when it tells them negative things about themselves, and assure them that positive thoughts about who they are can correct that voice.
• A few more tips. And finally, here are a few more things you can do on a continuing basis to maintain a positive relationship with your child.
• Imagine what they might say to themselves, about themselves.
• Speak the truth to them clearly, in a way that ensures they can hear it and understand it.
• Have fun with them.
• Treat them as equals.
• Trust them.
• Listen—really listen—to what your children say to you, and note their non-verbal communication as well.
• And last, but not least—allow and encourage your children to do all of the above with you.

Positive support, a nurturing environment, and good communication are essential for strong relationships with your children. Parents who make an effort to build rapport with their children will not only strengthen their relationships, but also build their children’s feelings of acceptance and trust. This in turn builds their self-confidence, a vital ingredient in their overall happiness.

Built on mutual trust and emotional comfort, rapport develops over time and must be nurtured. It is, however, well worth every minute that you—and your children—put into it. When children feel understood and supported, they feel safe and happy, at home and in themselves.

Bobbi DePorter
President, Quantum Learning Network

SuperCamp / QL Education
SuperCamp.com / QuantumLearning.com

Find out more about SuperCamp’s new virtual programs:
www.QLUniverse.com

QLUniverse.com/SuperCampU

Quantum Learning is embraced by tens of thousands of schools, with significant positive results. QL methods orchestrate joyful, engaging, and meaningful learning, and are the foundation of our programs. SuperCamp, the leading learning and life skills summer residential leadership program for nearly 40 years, has more than 85,000 graduates.

The post How to Build Rapport and Support Your Children in these Challenging Times appeared first on SuperCamp.

If you’re a parent, educator, or just a keen observer of the world around you, you’ve probably made the following observation: “Kids are on their phones a lot these days.” Did you know that the average amount of time the American teenager spends each day looking at the screen of their cell phone is 8 hours? The same amount of time you spend at work every day, actually.

Here are some figures that give an idea of just how ubiquitous cell phone usage is:

• 56 percent of children between 8 and 12 have a cell phone
• 77 percent of parents and teens have argued about smartphone usage
• 50 percent of teens admit they are attached to their phones
• 1/3 of teens feel more accepted online than in real life

Given these numbers, it’s no wonder that 50 percent of teens report feeling “addicted” to their mobile devices. And that number may be low; 59 percent of parents report that their teenage children are addicted to cell phones.

Unfortunately, this dependence may be causing damage well beyond the frustration of trying to get kids to look up from their phones and engage in conversation. That’s because more and more research is coming out that shows that constant cell phone usage reduces attention span, worsens performance on various cognitive tasks, and degrades the quality of real life face-to-face interactions.

If you’ve asked yourself, “How long can a teenager concentrate?” and found yourself shocked by the answer, there’s data to back that up too.

A study at the University of Southern Maine, led by psychologist Bill Thornton, found what a difference a cell phone can make while trying to complete difficult tasks. Two groups of students were asked to take a statistics test. The first group was told to keep their cell phones on their desk, while the other group was told to keep their phones out of sight.

Even though neither group used their phones during the test, the simple presence of a cell phone caused a large disparity in test results. The phone-on-the-desk group averaged 21 of 30 correct answers while the no-phone group averaged 26.

The finding was similar to that of a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. This time, researchers looked at the effect of the presence of a cell phone on face-to-face conversations. They found that conversations where phones were present caused both parties to say there was less trust and that it was of a lower quality than conversations in which phones were absent.

Looking at this complete picture, we see a scary trend. Cell phone usage is becoming more widespread among teens, even though we know that it worsens cognitive ability and interpersonal communication. (And that’s not to even touch on cyberbullying, sexting, or any of the other major problems that have arisen with increased cell phone usage.)

To this end, various “digital detoxes” for adults have been sprouting up. Kate Unsworth, CEO of Kovert Designs, organized a trip for 35 business professionals to Morocco with one catch—they wouldn’t be using any electronics. Here’s some of what she observed:

• Conversation is better without Google. Without knowing the answers to questions, people take longer to discuss, debate, and even guess at solutions. This leads to deeper conversations as well as insight into other peoples’ thinking.
• Sound sleep. Scientists have long known that blue light from screens makes us feel more alert, but many of us still take our phones and laptops into bed with us. Once disconnected, the people on the trip all reported feeling more rested in the morning.
• Better posture. Without constantly tilting their heads forward to check screens, the people on Unsworth’s trip all started to straighten up and look people directly in the eye when they spoke. This resulted in relaxed and sincere conversations.

The answer, as Unsworth discovered, is to go cold turkey.

Take a Break

As students arrive at SuperCamp, they hand in their cellphones. At first, this strikes some of our students as unnecessarily stringent. But having our students truly live in the moment, free of outside distractions, has shown to have huge benefits. If you’re pulling your hair out because your teenager can’t focus, you might be pleasantly surprised in the change you see in your student after SuperCamp.

To understand why we’re so strict about cell phone and electronics usage here at SuperCamp, let us tell you a little about another one of our 8 Keys of Excellence: This Is It. We define this principle as remembering to make the most out of every moment. Though this might sound like basic or even clichéd advice, it’s surprising how many of our students come to us not used to spending time in the “here and now.”

More specifically, constantly being plugged in makes it hard to be present with peers, focused on a new cognitive challenge, or even empathetic to those around us. Since many of our exercises and activities are done in groups and encourage collaborative thinking, it’s doubly important that our students are unplugged. It’s when new perspectives are shared and new voices are heard that our students learn to think outside of their default frameworks.

The post Taught to turn on, now taught to turn off — who knew? appeared first on SuperCamp.

Relationships are very tricky—husbands and wives, parents and children, teachers and students, employers and employees, friends, colleagues, etc. It matters not; every type of relationship comes with its challenges.

While it seems that relationships can be defined in an endless number of ways, ultimately, every relationship falls into one of four types. Unfortunately, only one of the four is what we at SuperCamp call an equal-value relationship. Equally unfortunate is the fact that many adults incorrectly assume that this equal-value relationship type, called “Big Me Big You,” will not work with children and students (or even with employees).

Here’s a quick look at four relationship styles with examples of possible interactions:

1. Big Me Big You: That’s a great idea—let’s explore it.
2. Big Me Little You: Your messed up again—better do it my way this time.
3. Little Me Big You: I don’t know—you’re the expert. What do you want me to do?
4. Little Me Little You: You don’t know? Me neither. You don’t like it? Me neither. Life’s not easy.

Now let’s look more closely at these four relationship styles.
 

Big Me Big You
A Big Me Big You relationship is a positive equal-value relationship. It sends the messages: I value you and you value me. What you want is just as important as what I want, what you feel is just as important as what I feel, and what you think is just as important as what I think. It doesn’t matter what position of authority one may have—parent, boss, teacher—Big Me Big You is the only relationship that is effective in building rapport. It communicates I respect you and I value you. It doesn’t matter how “good” either person is—how smart, how popular, what their position is, or where they live—this relationship is about respect and compassion. Big Me Big You is a win-win relationship, the ideal in all situations—between friends, husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, etc.

Big Me Little You
This relationship is common between parents and children, employers and employees, teachers and students, and sometimes between husbands and wives and between friends. Big Me Little You sends the messages: What you have to say is not as important as what I have to say. What you think is not as important as what I think. What you want to do is not as important as what I want to do. You don’t know how to do things right unless I tell you. All of these messages—whether the result of actual or perceived superiority in position, knowledge, social standing, etc.—have an extremely negative impact on any relationship. Big Me Little You does not build rapport. It is a relationship where the vital ingredient of equal value is missing.

Little Me Big You
This is a relationship where one person forces another into the “big” position. It is often seen with colleagues, friends, and students, where one is better in school or sports, or one is more popular than the other, or one has a higher-level job than the other. The one who is perceived to be “better” may get pushed by the other into the Big You position, which might sound (or infer) something like this: What you do or think is important, what I think doesn’t matter that much. This relationship is also common between students and their teachers and between children and their parents. It is often based on tradition, which should be borne in mind when teachers or parents are attempting to build rapport with a student or child who may not expect the other to really listen to them or to show genuine interest in what they think or say. Obviously, Little Me Big You is not a healthy equal-value relationship.

Little Me Little You
This is the unhealthiest of all relationships. The message here is I don’t value you, you don’t value me, and we don’t value anything. In this type of relationship, the participants feed on each other’s negativity. It is a highly destructive relationship. An example of this type of relationship is seen with students who have a common problem. As they share their problems, the list grows—teachers are bad, school is bad, parents are bad, the police are bad, government is bad, and life is bad. This is never a healthy relationship. In fact, taken to the extreme it can be dangerous. Parents or teachers observing this type of relationship can try to help by finding a way to break it up. It’s sometimes useful to introduce one of the participants to another “friend” who has something positive in common with them in the hope that a healthier relationship may develop. In many Little Me Little You relationships, professional help may be required.

In summary, while parents and teachers may think Big Me Big You will not work with their children or students, they are wrong. Big Me Big You does not diminish authority—it communicates respect and builds rapport, vital ingredients for any positive relationship. Parents and teachers, give Big Me Big You a try. We know you will like the outcome.

The post Building Better Relationships with Children and Students appeared first on SuperCamp.

Here are some figures that give an idea of just how ubiquitous cell phone usage is among children:

• 56 percent of children between 8 and 12 have a cell phone.
• 89 percent of teens use social media.
• 91 percent of teens use their mobile devices to get online.
• 1/3 of teens feel more accepted online than in real life.

Given these numbers, it’s no wonder that 50 percent of teens report feeling “addicted” to their mobile devices. And that number may be low; 59 percent of parents report that their teenage children are addicted to cell phones.

Unfortunately, this addiction may be causing damage well beyond the frustration of trying to get kids to look up from their phones and engage in conversation. That’s because more and more research is coming out that shows that constant cell phone usage reduces attention span, worsens performance on various cognitive tasks, and degrades the quality of real life face-to-face interactions.

If you’ve asked yourself, “How long can a teenager concentrate?” and found yourself shocked by the answer, there’s data to back that up too.

A study at the University of Southern Maine, led by psychologist Bill Thornton, found what a difference a cell phone can make while trying to complete difficult tasks. Two groups of students were asked to take a statistics test. The first group was told to keep their cell phone on their desks, while the other group was told to keep their phones out of sight.

Even though neither group used their phones during the test, the simple presence of a cell phone caused a large disparity in test results. The phone-on-the-desk group averaged 21 of 30 correct answers while the no-phone group averaged 26.

The finding was similar to that of a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. This time, researchers looked at the effect of the presence of a cell phone on face-to-face conversations. They found that conversations where phones were present caused both parties to say there was less trust and that it was of a lower quality than conversations in which phones were absent.

Looking at this complete picture, we see a scary trend. Cell phone usage is becoming more widespread among teens, even though we know that it worsens cognitive ability and interpersonal communication. (And that’s not to even touch on cyberbullying, sexting, or any of the other major problems that have arisen with increased cell phone usage.)

To this end, various “digital detoxes” for adults have been sprouting up. Kate Unsworth, CEO of Kovert Designs, organized a trip for 35 business professionals to Morocco with one catch…they wouldn’t be using any electronics. Here’s some of what she observed:

• Conversation is better without Google. Without knowing the answers to questions, people take longer to discuss, debate, and even guess at solutions. This leads to deeper conversations as well as insight into other peoples’ thinking.

• Sound sleep. Scientists have long known that blue light from screens makes us feel more alert, but many of us still take our phones and laptops into bed with us. Once disconnected, the people on the trip all reported feeling more rested in the morning.

• Better posture. Without constantly tilting their heads forward to check screens, the people on Unsworth’s trip all started to straighten up and look people directly in the eye when they spoke. This resulted in relaxed and sincere conversations.

Break the Addiction

The answer, as Unsworth discovered, is to go cold turkey. That’s why as soon as students arrive at SuperCamp, they hand in their cellphones, tablets, and MP3 players. During their stay with us, students have about 15 minutes a day of screen time which they usually use to communicate with family and friends back home.

At first, this strikes some of our students as unnecessarily stringent. But having our students truly live in the moment, free of outside distractions, has shown to have huge benefits. If you’re pulling your hair out because your teenager can’t focus, you might be pleasantly surprised in the change you see in your student after SuperCamp.

To understand why we are so strict about cell phone and electronics usage here at SuperCamp (especially as opposed to some other summer camps that allow students to keep their phones), I should tell you a little about another one of our 8 Keys of Excellence: This Is It. We define this principle as remembering to make the most out of every moment. Though this might sound like basic or even clichéd advice, it’s surprising how many of our students come to us not used to spending time in the “here and now.”

More specifically, constantly being plugged in makes it hard to be present with peers, focused on a new cognitive challenge, or even empathetic to those around us. Since many of our exercises and activities are done in groups and encourage collaborative thinking, it’s doubly important that our students are unplugged. It’s when new perspectives are shared and new voices are heard that our students learn to think outside of their default frameworks.

As someone who has seen just how much teens value their cell phones, I know my SuperCamp team and I have accomplished something truly special when teens begin to hear and see beyond their cell phones.

The post My Teenager Can’t Focus: The Downside of Cell Phones appeared first on SuperCamp.

Even this month, the news has been full of people and companies failing to apologize adequately. Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary, got himself into hot water for incorrectly claiming that Adolf Hitler did not use chemical weapons during WWII and then, instead of immediately apologizing, attempting to clarify his meaning. United Airlines’ CEO Oscar Munoz was forced to issue two apologies after an incident involving the violent removal of a passenger from an overbooked flight. The first was deemed to be insincere and filled with “newspeak.”

Seeing as White House press secretaries and Fortune 500 CEOs haven’t mastered the skill, it’s no surprise that most students haven’t either. Speaking on the topic with parents and educators, I often hear the same complaints: apologies sound insincere, forced, or sarcastic. Sometimes it seems like kids don’t know exactly what they’re apologizing for.

What’s worse, at school and at home, children are often taught that an apology is a sufficient Band-Aid for whatever the original transgression. We’ve heard it from kindergarteners and moody teenagers alike: “But I already said ‘sorry.’” It’s an area of communication we are failing to teach properly.

That’s why one of the skills we focus on honing at SuperCamp is the apology. Specifically, we believe in the 4-Part Apology, which ties into our OTFD (Observations, Thoughts, Feelings, and Desires) communication framework, which we also say stands for “Open The Front Door.”

The 4-Part Apology

Over 35 years of working with students of all ages, I’ve found no technique to be more effective than the 4-Part Apology. It goes something like this:

1. Acknowledge. No apology can be sincere and heartfelt without the offending party taking ownership of what it is that he or she has done. Using statements that begin with “I” are a way of acknowledging responsibility for the action.
   
   E.g., “I acknowledge that I made you feel bad by talking about you behind your back.”
   
   
2. Apologize. Instead of the old standby “I’m sorry,” try “I apologize.” State exactly what you’re apologizing for and the results of your actions. This lets the other party know that you are both on the same page.
   
   E.g., “I apologize for making you feel bad and I realize that my gossiping damaged our friendship.”
   
   
3. Make it Right. Find out how you can make amends for your actions and begin to patch over your relationship. This can be as simple as asking outright for advice or offering something specific that you have in mind.
   
   E.g., “What can I do to make it right? If I explain this situation to our friend would that make you feel better?”
   
   
4. Recommit. Show that you’re serious about changing your behavior in the future. Talk about your plan for how to ensure that you won’t make the same mistake again and why your behavior will be different.
   
   E.g., “I want to recommit to our friendship. I won’t make this mistake in the future because I’m going to speak with good purpose from now on.”
   
   

It not only shows a sincere acknowledgment of fault, but also creates a foundation to continue building a relationship. I’ve called communication “relationship fuel,” but to continue this analogy, apologies could be considered engine coolant; when things start to get overheated, an apology can cool them off.

This framework is proven to work in academic, professional, and family settings. That’s part of our belief in improving skills that can be used in every facet of life. In fact, over three-quarters of SuperCamp graduates reported improvement in their family relationships.

What’s more, our 4-Part Apology fits into a larger model that we believe in: OTFD Communication.

OTFD Communication

Much like the 4-Part Apology, OTFD communication can knock down barriers and improve relationships inside and outside of the classroom. It’s rooted in the belief that feelings should be articulated in a positive and direct manner. Here’s a basic outline of how we put the OTFD communication principles to work:

• Observations. By starting with an objective observation, you can remove emotion or judgment from the situation. It also ensures that both parties start out on the same page.
  
  E.g., “I saw you shove your desk and walk out of the room.”
  
  
• Thoughts. Explaining your thoughts based on the initial observation allows others to understand your mental processes. By making an “I thought” statement, you avoid assuming to know where the other person is coming from.
  
  E.g., “I thought you pushed your desk and walked out because you were angry.”
  
  
• Feelings. Building on observations and thoughts, you can then state how you felt. Taking ownership for your own feelings, rather than saying that you were “made to feel” a certain way can defuse a tense situation.
  
  E.g., “I felt scared to talk to you because I thought you were very angry.”
  
  
• Desires. Finally, propose a way that you would like to move forward. Why are you reaching out and communicating and what do you hope to achieve? This last step sets a foundation for a collaborative solution.
  
  E.g., “In the future would it be okay if we tried to talk things over before leaving?”
  
  

We foster this type of clear communication with environments that are safe and encouraging. At SuperCamp, every student is free to be an individual. Small group learning and activities, with 10 to 14 peers and one or two team leaders, are perfect for putting these communication skills into practice. And these skills go beyond apologies.

One thing we are especially proud of is the huge improvement our students make in their conflict resolution skills during their time with us. One of our instructors summed up the change: “Situations in the past that may have resulted in yelling and crying can now be handled in a mature manner.” Parents accustomed to emotional meltdowns are consistently impressed with the growth and maturity their children display.

Another key to effective communication is confidence building, whether it be working up the nerve to karate chop through a wood block or stand up and practice public speaking. When students realize that they are in a safe environment, they begin to come out of their shell and make more connections.
In the end, students leave SuperCamp to go on and strengthen relationships with friends, teachers, coaches, siblings, and parents. Sure, we boost grades (73 percent of graduates go on to improve in school), but we believe in being more than other academic summer camps. There’s a reason that 84 percent of our students raise their self-esteem and 81 percent increase their confidence: we’re a life skills camp as well.

The post It Starts by Talking: The Power of Effective Apologies in Communication appeared first on SuperCamp.

That’s because research is showing that for those of us not pondering the mysteries of space-time relativity or interstellar wormholes, EQ—and the ability to work in groups, communicate effectively, and speak with good purpose—is actually king.

Dr. Travis Bradberry, best-selling author and co-founder of TalentSmart, as well as a leading researcher on EQ, has found the following:

• EQ is responsible for 58 percent of job performance
• 90 percent of top performers have high EQ
• High EQ individuals make $29,000 more per year than their low EQ counterparts

If these stats are surprising to you, they should offer hope as well. Unlike IQ, which is supposed to be immutable and unteachable, EQ is completely learnable. The key is getting an early start.

As children develop, they are more responsive to their moods and emotions than adults. Learning to regulate and appropriately channel this responsiveness is key to success later in life. Though we teach children everything from how to tie their shoes to multiplication tables, we often neglect emotional learning. At SuperCamp, we recognize the importance of getting a jump on EQ.

EQ Can Be Taught: The Super Camp Way

Before I explain why SuperCamp is so effective at teaching emotional intelligence, we should first take a look at exactly what this term means.

First coined by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer, the pair defined the concept as “the ability to perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and to regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth.”

Daniel Goleman, a science journalist who wrote the best seller Emotional Intelligence, broke the concept down into five components. As we look at each one, I’ll explain just how some of the core tenets of SuperCamp—including the 8 Keys of Excellence and 6 Areas of Life Skills Training—tie in.

Self-Awareness, defined as understanding moods and emotions—both your own and others—and acting appropriately in reaction to them. Self-aware people are typically self-confident, but not afraid to tell a joke at their own expense.

A lot of building strong self-awareness has to do with one of our Keys of Excellence: balance. We define this concept as “living your best life,” and what we mean by that is remembering that there is more to life than midterms, acing the SATs, or a prestigious college degree. Sometimes it’s the straight-A students that need this reminder the most!

When we create an environment of acceptance, we allow students the space to be who they want to be. Building self-confidence through group sharing and trust-building activities creates self-aware learners (e.g., “I am nervous to stand up and share, but I can overcome my nerves.”).

Self-Regulation is the ability to use rational thinking to override disruptive emotional impulses. People with strong self-regulation skills adapt easily to new situations, display calm in the face of adversity, and inspire confidence in others.

That’s why we teach flexibility, defined as the willingness to do things differently. On a basic level, this can mean new techniques for problem resolution, such as Hebbian learning. Maybe even more importantly, empowering students to take risks shows that it is okay to fail and that failure promotes growth.

In the same vein, expanding, one of our Areas of Life Skills Training, is all about moving students out of their comfort zones. In the words of one student, “By day three, I had cried with my team, laughed with my team, and hugged everyone on my team.” At SuperCamp, we believe in students diving into change headfirst.

Internal Motivation is a drive to achieve and accomplish that exists independently of external rewards such as money, status, or grades. High internal motivation usually manifests as a passion for learning and knowledge, as well as optimism and the ability to overlook monetary or professional setbacks.

To this end, we teach that character (“establishing a code for personal excellence”) is of the utmost importance. This means recognizing that self-actualization exists within oneself. Typically, students come to us believing that good grades or test scores are the ends and that learning and knowledge acquisition are simply a means.

By flipping this paradigm on its head—i.e., good grades are a byproduct of a passion for learning, but not the ultimate reward—we create resilient and curious young adults. This can be critical for students who have trouble adjusting to high school or college; a bad semester shouldn’t kill a student’s quest for knowledge!

Empathy, commonly lacking in teenagers and young adults, is usually thought of as being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes. Seeing from different perspectives increases potential for successful client relationships, teambuilding, and working with a variety of personality types.

Many of our campers are already highly motivated students (and those who aren’t will be headed that direction by the end of their session!). Naturally, these students will be looked on to help their peers and classmates when they return to school. That’s why another Area of Life Skills Training we focus on is leadership.

In addition to confidence and communication, the ability to lead successfully is largely predicated on empathy. We teach problem resolution, and specifically how seeing from someone else’s perspective can change your own viewpoint. Here at SuperCamp, we believe in students using their skills for good. After all, with great power comes great responsibility

Social Skills is maybe the facet of EQ that we are the most familiar with. While we mostly think of social skills as making friends and maintaining relationships, it also typically includes an ability to affect change and persuade others. Like empathy, it is a critical component to successful leadership.

This is where speaking with good purpose, one of our Keys of Excellence comes into play. This means choosing our words wisely so that we are honest and kind when we communicate with one another. In speak with good purpose activities, we increase awareness of what our words mean and the impact they have.

As is often the case, a young student summed up the concept best. “I’m going to be thinking about what I’m saying, knowing what I’m saying, and having an impact in what I’m saying.” Many adults still don’t possess this skill set. By mastering speaking with good purpose as teenagers, our students are on a fast track for success.

Think About It

It’s not a coincidence that we teach our campers to seek excellence academically, professionally, and in life. We don’t just believe in creating successful students. At SuperCamp we impart skills that last a lifetime.

The post Beyond IQ: Why Einsteins Are So Last Year appeared first on SuperCamp.

I get this a lot in my office. I handle it by reminding the person to be visible with “Why are you asking?” or “Tell me more.” This way, rather than uncomfortably saying “Yes” without having any idea of what’s coming, I’m being direct in my communication and the final result will be better for both of us.

Another example of invisible communication is “What are you doing Friday night?” You wonder, Is she just curious? Does she want to invite me somewhere? Or maybe she wants me to babysit? What if she simply said, “I have an extra ticket for the concert on Friday night—would you like to come with me?” How easy is that to answer?

We all speak invisibly at times. When I catch myself doing it, I remind myself to finish the sentence:  “Do you have a minute to discuss . . . ?” “What are you doing Friday night? I have concert tickets and I’m hoping you can join me.” When your intent is clear, people don’t feel as if they’re being manipulated or trapped—and they feel comfortable responding to you.

Visible communication strengthens relationships

Visible communication makes your purpose clear. Invisible communication, as in the examples above, masks your purpose. When your intent is clear, people don’t feel as if they’re being tricked or manipulated. They feel safe and respected. And they feel comfortable responding to you. They’ll give your direct visible communication a direct answer. Communication is flowing and easy. Visible communication helps build stronger relationships. Make your intent visible, make your purpose clear, and strengthen your relationships.

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Here are the three don’ts that we teach at our summer camps and school programs: don’t deny, don’t resolve, and don’t me-too. They’re helpful in all relationships—between spouses, parent/child, with family members, and friends.

• Don’t deny

Example: “You don’t need to lose weight, you look fine.”

When someone shares an experience, a fear, or a feeling (“I’m so fat.”) and you respond with reassurance, you may mean to comfort them, but what you’re really doing is cutting off their sharing with the statement that they shouldn’t feel that way—you’re denying their feelings.

• Don’t resolve

Example: “If I were you I’d . . .”

When someone tells you about a problem they’re having and you quickly hand them a solution, you shut them right down. Think about it. If you wanted to chat with a friend about a problem and maybe share some ideas, and they quickly throw a solution at you, it wouldn’t feel very good. Their two-minute solution to a problem you’ve been struggling with for weeks would probably (a) be unlikely to work, (b) be something you already thought of, and (c) be very likely to end the conversation.   

• Don’t me-too

Example: “I know exactly what you mean, I  . . .”

When someone begins to share something with you that they’re going through and you cut them off with a “Me, too” and go into your experience, you’ve killed the conversation. They may never get to finish telling you about their experience, but they’ll know all about what happened to you.

None of these responses gives a conversation a chance. Often the best “conversations” are very one-sided as far as speaking is concerned. This relates to active listening and it’s a vital ingredient in meaningful communication.  The “listener” listens very intently and hardly says a word, only contributing enough to let the other person know they’re really hearing them. Think about the difference active listening would have made in the three don’ts examples above.

Don’t kill a conversation with reassurance, advice, or identification. Your goal is not to diagnose, pacify, or fix. Let your goal be to listen, and to let the speaker know they’re being heard.

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